(Something I’d never imagine myself discussing.)

Seeing everyone else so happy only reminds me of how much I fucked up.

Being sentimental is gay. I’d never imagine myself in such a state. And I never share such sentiments openly.

“Pssh. I don’t need anyone.”

Hah… Although true, it’s not even about that. It’s the fact that no one else even compares, and most likely never will. Not even close. And I took it all for granted. All of those cheesy love quotes are fucking true, as much as I hate to admit it, and dismiss it.

I’ve become cynical of the concept of “love” and all that it entails. Jaded. Fazed. I do commend long-term relationships, I was just never one that would tolerate the sacrifices required to maintain one long enough. It seemed more of an act of endurance. How much am I willing to take and sacrifice to feel like my efforts are being reciprocated to my satisfaction, and to meet their satisfactions? Yes, love is obviously give-and-take, but how much to give? How much to take? Exactly what to give and take?

It seems like a torturous mind-game when you’re young. You’re dumb. Immature. You have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. Maybe it works this way, but that way kinda fixes it, then it goes to shit, gets better, and happens all over again. But when you get older you’re better equipped to find ways to work around it through experience.

Two people trying to find themselves while simultaneously trying to find each other, while trying to put just as much effort as the other but trying the hardest you can to make it more? Who the fucked signed up for taking care of yourself AND someone else at the same time (besides being a parent; that is inherently part of the deal)? If trying to make yourself happy wasn’t concern enough… you have to put in just enough time and energy, if not more, for someone of equal AND of MORE value. When did something so utterly glorious become so hard, yet so apparently worth it?

It’s like an achievement that never ends, until the day you die. When you have loved successfully, you have lived successfully, so it seems. It’s so coveted that people are willing to go through great (or grueling) lengths just to hold onto an old, faded, deluded glimmer of it. The abused. The neglected. The degraded. Two sides of the same coin, love unfortunately is. One of few instances where pain is willfully endured.

It makes us all the things that are undesirable, yet is it the most desired. It makes us blind and do crazy things. It defies all shits of logic. We know diddly shit about it. It’s a fuck-all concept, but do we care? Fuck no. All we know is we just fuckin’ want it and will do just about anything to get it, without really even knowing why, and just going off of our instincts, for the most part.

Is there “intelligent” love? I always wonder how people with like several PhD’s in Psychology and Neuroscience handle their relationships. Are they happier or more civilized because they know how the mind works? Or do they bicker and do unreasonably stupid shit just like the rest of us emotion-driven humans?

An odd thing, love is. It is the unknown mystery of the Universe.